Talking to Myself

September 26, 2007

I was reading a critique on Chuck Palahniuk’s rationalization regarding the behavior of the narrator of his debut novel, Fight Club; and how he creates the story of his life into an image totally acceptable to him. This seems like a form of self-creation, and more oftentimes just an attempt at self-delusion. There have been many individuals who have undergone such a condition, which is commonly known in the medical field as schizophrenia.

On the other hand, there are those who consciously project another persona as the given voice of their profession (actors, radio announcers, telemarketers, etc). Others do so for the purpose of anonymity. Take humor writers such as Tuckermax, Maddox and The Letter D for example.

As someone who created an online character for one or more of the abovementioned reasons, I constantly find myself being eaten up by said personality. The inner twerp that I created for the sole purpose of lying, reassuring, and just plain venting, has begun rearing its ugly head and taking over my entire being. While driving alone on the long stretch of Roxas Boulevard I remember engaging in a conversation that went thus: 

Myself
That was *the* most sickening display of nymphomania I’ve ever seen! You almost hit the gutter while staring at that girl who’s too young to be your daughter. That’s just sick!

Steel
Easy, mac. Listen, I can read women better than you can read books. Never dare question El Gran Steeleo's palate for beauty. Maybe you’re just too old to get attracted to fifteen year-olds.
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So You’re De-Evolving

September 24, 2007

Do you find that your facial hair is starting to spread past your face? Are your knuckles a few inches closer to the ground than normal? Do you feel like you’re spending more and more time climbing trees and throwing feces at your friends?

Well these are the classic signs of what is known as De-Evolving. Don’t be afraid, a lot of people have gone through this phenomenon, and they are now settling fine in their respective zoos.

Hopefully, this guide which we have devised can make the transition from being a Homo Sexual Homo Sapien to Missing Link an easy and enjoyable one for you.

Identifying The Signs

Now, the first thing to do is to make sure you are indeed de-evolving. In the early days, diagnosing this condition was easy as pie. All you have to do is ask your friends one simple question:

“Hey, am I dumb?”

If the answer is yes, then you are either de-evolving or Chris Crocker.

Now, because of techno music, habit forming drugs, and Dan Brown books; it’s gotten hard to tell if people are de-evolving or are just plain dumb. But thanks to our research and a recent encounter with a de-evolvee, we’ve come up with a list of signs by which you can tell if you are climbing down the evolution ladder.

Loss of Common Knowledge

This is a very tricky thing to test for. First of all, it really depends on how much common knowledge you currently have. So for the sake of SCIENCE, we’ll work with what we like to call the Carrot Top unit of measure.

For example, ability to recite the whole alphabet is equivalent to 1 Carrot Top:

Ability to find your way back home is 2 Carrot Tops:

Ability to pee while not missing the bowl entirely is 1/2 Carrot Top:

And so on and so forth.

And not being able to come up with an original thought warrants the special rating of Carrot Top with Pie in Face (CTWPIF):

Now, if your Carrot Top rating goes way below half of a Carrot Top, or even the dreaded CTWPIF, then you better have your mail forwarded to the nearest zoo because that’s where you’ll be staying from now on.

Normally, people who can walk a straight line without bumping into things don’t have to worry about their Carrot Top levels. However, if somebody asks you “Hey, when’s your birthday?” and you suddenly answer “Orange!”, then feel free to contact any of us to get your official Carrot Top rating.
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Ten Most Spoken Languages in the Planet

June 9, 2007

Aside from learning various bondage techniques and solving the Rubik’s Cube preferably while blindfolded, one thing I’d love to achieve is the mastery of another language besides the ones I presently work with. I find multilingualism advantageous in terms of impressing other people, whether be it in the office, or in a speech, or when you find yourself haggling for the right price with some Thai girl in some Thai brothel in the Pattaya beach area.

But I don’t want to learn just any language. For one I would like to assure that I should fully understand and be understood by the rest of the 6 billion people living in this space dust. For that reason, I individually interviewed every single person in the planet using the only language everyone knows—LOVE (just say aye). I then summed it up, tallied the numbers, and came up with a list of the most spoken languages in the world.

 

10. French (Spoken by 129 million hairy people who smell like cheese)

We should all be grateful for the emergence of the French because without them, we might have been stuck with Dutch Bread, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (argh!). Considered as the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in the following countries: Belgium, Canada, Guinea, Ivory Coast, Madagascar, and Switzerland. Oh, and in France too by the way.

To say “hello” in French, say “Bonjour” (bone-JOOR).
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Dear Nelly

May 16, 2007

I know we agreed not to contact each other after our clear break-up but I can't help but think about you a lot lately. Things haven't been the same since you've left. You're the only life this empty room has ever had, just like in that Barry Manilow song. Well, except that I kinda forgot to water the plants and feed your kitten Fifi that they all died just days after you left. But I still think your absence struck a great deal of sadness in my heart.

I've been wondering where things went wrong. I mean, I would never do anything to hurt you. In retrospect, you have to understand that it wasn't easy to veer my attention away from younger and more nubile girls like Britney but seeing as how much of an abomination she has evolved into, I must admit I was downright wrong.

I'm also sorry for that time I said your yodeleys sounded like it was coming from a broken gramophone that was playing in a loop. I guess that's how you do church singing in Canada or Portugal or whichever part of the planet you came from. And all the while I mistook you for being an Indian. Perhaps your being "multicultural" and "multilingual" made me assume you were just being possessed by an evil entity that I had to chain you to the back of the fridge for days to get Satan out of your system. I just want you to know that I've grown a lot since we've been apart and I really think we should give it another go.
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