Work!

Being caged within the confines of these four cryogenic white walls which eventually led to my suppressed inner emotions and lack of social life is what made my job comparable to a crap-filled vagina. I could feel my nerves throbbing with insatiable urge to write. Problem is, I’ve searched the deepest, darkest, filthiest recesses of my muddled mind only to find NOTHING to write about. I blame work for this.

Mandatory Edward Norton photo 

Here’s a typical work day:

Me to colleague: So. Have you received the thousand bucks Bill Gates swore to give you if you were to forward that email I found in my inbox? Which was actually forwarded by you? You, of all people?!

Colleague: That reminds me, I have to check my bank account this afternoon. Then, I shall laugh at you and your incredulity.

Me: Well, I, sir, am due to collect my gajillion African dollar inheritance from my dying “Uncle Najirobi” in Nigeria. Latez!

I also spend most of my time learning new languages. Being in a workplace with associates of different nationalities, I am enticed, if not compelled, to converse in different tongues, with German being one of them. My sprechend Deutsch prowess, let me show you it.

Dein aesseres sind schuhe - Your face is shoes.

Ich brech die knochen und lach - I break bones and laugh.

Ich trage damen unterwaesche - I am wearing women’s underwear

Ziegen hassen meinen geruch. - Goats hate my smell.  

On the up side, in eight months time, I got what it took other employees a full year to receive - a raise. And it’s not the “Here’s your raise because the labor code requires it otherwise we would have fired you and probably piss on you” kind of raise. It must be that they actually like me! So yeah, cool beans.