JUMPER in five painstaking minutes
March 23, 2008(64-bit version of this article can be found here)
I’m David Rice. Whether via genetic aberration, weird voodoo shit or some unexplained reason, I can teleport in a heartbeat. And I use my awesome abilities to rob banks and bang ho’s in the process.
And that’s what makes me your antagonist. I’ve been travelling all over the world to kill people like you who has the ability to jump. Jumpers if you will. Heck, I’m not even paid to do this shit. We just don’t like your kind in my hood. And by "hood" I mean "planet Earth"!
Jump? Jumpers? What are you talking about? TELEPORT is what I can do, damnit! Aren’t we supposed to be called Teleporters?
Shut up, I kill you now.
VRRRMMMTTT!!! (teleports)
[in snotty British accent] I’m also a jomper. All I do is jomp, jomp, jomp in search for Paladins. Yep, they are the fellas who’ve been trying to kill us since the Ming Dynasty, although they look pathetic when chasing us since we can jomp anywhere and they can’t.
Shut up, I kill you now.
VRRRMMMTTT!!! (teleports)
Oh hai David. I’m your typical distressed girl who will need saving in the later part of the movie, here to make your life miserable. But that’s ok since you get to bang me at the end. That is after you rescue me from Evil Sisqo here.
Shut up, woman. I kill you too! No wait. I hostage you first.
HALPZ!
Ah, in distress — my favorite kind of damsel! Here I come, m’lady!
What do you think you’re doing? You can’t defeat the Paladins by just jomping like that. You’ll end up like the other Jompers. Now blowing them to smithereens with my custom-made Jomper-bomb, that’s a more logical thing to do.
But you’ll also kill my chick, you stupid pasty white Brit! Give me that detonator!
What the…?! For the Queen!
[Battle ensues.]
*Orgasms*
I told you I’m not anything like you. I’m the main man here. And you have Spotted Dick!
I kill you now!
VRRRMMMTTT!!! (teleports)
This is lame! Who wants hotdogs? Guys?
Previous Comments
But you do agree on the HOMOPALOOZA MARDI GRAS part, yes?
Posted by Steel at March 23, 2008, 8:11 pm*Orgasms* LOLOLOLOLOL! I only saw the first part of the movie and predicted the rest.
Posted by alohapenny at March 24, 2008, 4:34 amAlso, put this on TMB.
Posted by Pau at March 24, 2008, 10:42 amThank goodness I read this first before I wa… OMG IT’S SISQO LOLOLOLOL!!!
Posted by Baddie at March 24, 2008, 12:01 pmHilarious!! Hahaha! Buti na lang, I haven’t bought that pirated dvd yet.
Posted by Neil at March 26, 2008, 10:29 pmOrgasms actually caught me off-guard. LOL!!!
Posted by Sorbetera at March 27, 2008, 10:23 amThis is a lie. Everyone knows that when a Jumper teleports, the sound it makes is YABADABADOO.
Posted by Helga at March 28, 2008, 2:35 pmDavid Rice can uh, bang me anytime!
Posted by theglamarazzi at April 2, 2008, 3:51 pm
I don’t recall Arabs being in the movie. LIAR!
Posted by Pau at March 23, 2008, 7:58 pm