Resignation Letter

Dear Mr. Middlefinker,

After careful consideration and an appropriate period of deliberation, I have come to the decision to tender my resignation effective immediately.

Please know that I still maintain a high level of respect for you as a manager and colleague, and you have my gratitude for the support and assistance you have offered me in each of those roles.

I remember upon meeting you for the first time how you demonstrated your absolute authority by punching me right on the kisser instead of shaking my hand. That immediately stripped me of any doubt that you meant business, and that the company has had its foundation built on strong motivation and cold, shivering fear. I realized that the true essence of leadership is demonstrated with an unbiased application of brutal and merciless violence. Just like whenever you deliver a devastating right hook to the back of my head, followed by a sharp heel kick to my lower spine each time you catch me listening to James Blunt while working.

Under your wing I learned to carry myself with utmost confidence. While the use of praise was never encouraged at any point in our work, you proved to us that there is never an incentive for a job well done, and that the guy who spends eight hours in the office checking personal email while Superpoking his friends via Facebook and exponentially boosting his Warbook character's stats to an astonishing level, earns the same income as the old geezer in the opposite cubicle who goes on overtime every night thinking that someday his hard work would be rewarded with a promotion or raise. Your employees exuded confidence in spite of an even below mediocre performance.

You walked around the building all day, vigilantly looking for the smallest fault in your subordinates. Your sharp well-dressed look that might have worked for your initial job interview was somehow being overpowered by your glaring idiocy and incompetence. Most of us have agreed that your shiny new iPhone has even more personality than you will ever have. But your method of management via the use of soul-trembling, mortal fear has allowed no one to question your judgment and actions. You, sir, are indeed an epitome of leadership.

I made this decision to leave the company not because I am dissatisfied with my current role, but as a strategic career move. As such, I have decided to become a professional pirate. It has always been my vision to live the life of a swashbuckling bandit, obliged to no one and liable for all my dealings. In addition to plentiful fish tales, keelhauling, and cursing while gargling with rum, my crew and I shall embark on a journey on the vast expanse of the high seas filled with hornswaggling and blue blistering adventures until the time we succumb to Davy Jones's Grip.

Please feel free to call on me if I can help to ensure a smooth transition.

Biddin' ye fair winds,
 
Steel Ventus
Level 11 General of Codex Zabulon / Swashbuckling Varmint

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Picked it up where Ade left off in this awesome article which spawned from apathy, hate and lust. This entry also appears on The Man Blog.