Ten Most Spoken Languages in the Planet

Aside from learning various bondage techniques and solving the Rubik’s Cube preferably while blindfolded, one thing I’d love to achieve is the mastery of another language besides the ones I presently work with. I find multilingualism advantageous in terms of impressing other people, whether be it in the office, or in a speech, or when you find yourself haggling for the right price with some Thai girl in some Thai brothel in the Pattaya beach area.

But I don’t want to learn just any language. For one I would like to assure that I should fully understand and be understood by the rest of the 6 billion people living in this space dust. For that reason, I individually interviewed every single person in the planet using the only language everyone knows—LOVE (just say aye). I then summed it up, tallied the numbers, and came up with a list of the most spoken languages in the world.

10. French (Spoken by 129 million hairy people who smell like cheese)

We should all be grateful for the emergence of the French because without them, we might have been stuck with Dutch Bread, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (argh!). Considered as the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in the following countries: Belgium, Canada, Guinea, Ivory Coast, Madagascar, and Switzerland. Oh, and in France too by the way.

To say “hello” in French, say “Bonjour” (bone-JOOR).

9. Malay-Indonesian (Spoken by 159 million tsunami victims)

Malay-Indonesian is widely used in (surprise, surprise!) Malaysia and Indonesia. Now this number is pretty much vague because the Indonesian is just one of the many Malayan dialects. But they sort of sprung out of the same root language. And Indonesia being the sixth most populated country in the planet establishes Malay-Indonesian as one of the most spoken language in the world.

To say “hello” in Indonesian, say “Selamat pagi” (se-LA-maht PA-gee).

8. Portuguese (Spoken by 191 million Spanish rip-offs)

Because Portugal became the crackerjacks on the exploring game, the language spread worldwide in the 15th and 16th centuries and spanned from Brazil in the Americas to Macau in China (I still can’t imagine the Chinese speaking another language besides kungfu speak). It also reached Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique.

To say “hello” in Portuguese, say “Bom dia” (bohn DEE-ah).

7. Bengali (Spoken by 211 million desperately poor, unwanted and godforsaken citizens.)

Almost the entirety of the 120+ million people in Bangladesh speaks Bengali. And since the citizens are pretty much on top of the food chain because they still outnumber the Bengal tigers, Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect.

To say “hello” in Bengali, say “Ei Je” (EYE-jay).

6. Arabic (Spoken by 246 million sand bathers and oil drinkers)

Arabic is the largest living member of the Semitic language family in terms of speakers, most of which found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Quran, millions of Moslems in other countries speak Arabic as well. I have nothing funny nor defaming to say about the Arabs because they can do whatever they damn well please to any heathen head who dare disagree with their…Ok I shut up now.

To say “hello” in Arabic, say “Al salaam a’alaykum” (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom).

5. Russian (Spoken by 277 million Commies)

Communists used to be the pits but now they deserve to be considered as friends. I actually have a shirt that says “My homies are all Commies” in it (See what I did there?). One of the six languages in the United Nations, Russian is spoken not only in the Madarr Kontry, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and in some parts of the U.S., to name a few.

To say “hello” in Russian, say “Zdravstvuite” (ZDRAST-vet-yah).

4. Spanish (Spoken by 392 million El Guerrero dela Puerta)

Apart from those coño kids who study it in college, Spanish is spoken in major Latin American and Central American countries, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the Philippines, as lots of Filipino words are borrowed from the language, including: jai alai, escalera, doble pares, dividendazo, iho de putah, que horror!, and lengua dela puerta.

To say “hello” in Spanish, say “Hola” (OH-la).

3. Hindustani (Spoken by 497 million Cow lovers)

Almost the whole of India’s crowded population speaks Hindustani as their primary language. Although the population is growing so fast (that just breathing the air can get a woman pregnant), the prevalence of the English language prevents them from surpassing the most widely-spoken language in the world. Also, I love curry, and those Bollywood dance steps.

To say “hello” in Hindustani, say “Namaste” (Nah-MAH-stay).

2. English (Spoken by 508 million Paris Hilton fans)

While English doesn’t have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the Australia, Canada, the Commonwealth Caribbean, Ireland, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and the United States. I’m pretty sure you know much about this language and probably even more than I do so let’s leave it at that.

To say “hello” in English, say “What’s up, my nigger?” (watz-UP-mah-nigGAH?).

1. Mandarin (Spoken by more than a gajillion high-flying chopstick-poking freaks)

With an immeasurable number of Chinese people prowling the earth for centuries, it’s no surprise that the most spoken language is based on its origin country’s population. You might think that Mandarin is easy to learn but with the diverse intonations and diction, a non-native speaker might turn shao shao first before mastering the language. But hey, if a gajillion people can do it, so could you.

To say “hello” in Mandarin, say “Ni hao” (Nee HaOW).

Let me tell you that these numbers are all but estimates, and a result of my false calculations, since Math and boredom do not go very well with each other. Also keep in mind that I along with my friends at the Man Blog do not approve of discrimination and racial jokes. Because we believe racism is solely for the Rednecks.