Dear Nelly

I know we agreed not to contact each other after our clear break-up but I can't help but think about you a lot lately. Things haven't been the same since you've left. You're the only life this empty room has ever had, just like in that Barry Manilow song. Well, except that I kinda forgot to water the plants and feed your kitten Fifi that they all died just days after you left. But I still think your absence struck a great deal of sadness in my heart.

I've been wondering where things went wrong. I mean, I would never do anything to hurt you. In retrospect, you have to understand that it wasn't easy to veer my attention away from younger and more nubile girls like Britney but seeing as how much of an abomination she has evolved into, I must admit I was downright wrong.

I'm also sorry for that time I said your yodeleys sounded like it was coming from a broken gramophone that was playing in a loop. I guess that's how you do church singing in Canada or Portugal or whichever part of the planet you came from. And all the while I mistook you for being an Indian. Perhaps your being "multicultural" and "multilingual" made me assume you were just being possessed by an evil entity that I had to chain you to the back of the fridge for days to get Satan out of your system. I just want you to know that I've grown a lot since we've been apart and I really think we should give it another go.

I was watching MTV the other day and was able to stumble upon your new music video with you gyrating your hips in front of a big black guy who can make a girl strip off by just calling her "Baby Doll" in his deepest voice. It appears that you've finally hooked up with some new guy. I kinda pity him though. I mean, the guy has "rebound" written all over his face. And although they say once you go black you'll never go back, you don't expect me to take this newfound relationship of yours serious now do you?

Let's not throw away all that we've had over some minor cultural misunderstandings. And you can't blame me for hitting on you again after seeing you swinging your hips on two of your new music clips. I believe we still have something special and we can start over again.

From Pasay with Love,
 

Steelio